Am I Well?
I am experiencing an unexpected health scare.
A month ago I checked my blood pressure. It was high. My doctor recommended blood tests, and one was abnormally high. A specialist who did more tests flagged a possible serious condition.
Life’s Illusions
Now I am undergoing more tests with large machines probing my innermost parts. I face another month waiting for results. So much is uncertain.
“What you don’t know can’t hurt you”. Not true- it’s a foolish idea. Ignorance is no longer bliss.
Facing My Fears
Life is no longer normal. I have abruptly fallen off my path. I feel turmoil. Could the tests show I am healthy? I am clinging to hope. I want to be optimistic, but I am unable to override my worst fears. How bad can it be?
Life is a mess. My plans and my routines no longer seen meaningful. How can I carry out a normal day? I don’t feel the desire to be creative. Will I recover? Will my creativity return? My thoughts are as chaotic as my paint palette. Can I accept an uncertain future?
Reflection and Gratitude
What can I do with all this turmoil ? If I step back from panic and take a meditative outlook, I may find perspective.
The truth is that something might be wrong within me. I am unaware of what that is. The machines will discover the truth. I will have to face that reality and adjust my life. This may be hard to do. Once I accept what is true, the path to recovery can begin.
I am grateful to have a companion who is willing to share this journey. That I am not facing this alone brings great comfort. I so appreciate her acts of care and love.
Aging and health concerns are universal. Friends and relations have shared their difficult health experiences. They offer reassurance that remediation is likely and effective.
Dependency
Life depends on a deep inner world and an complex outer world.
My conscious mind is just a small part of my being. While I might control my thoughts and emotions, I have no direct control of the billions of cells that form my body and make me a living entity. How my organs synchronize to provide energy and health are beyond my comprehension. I have to trust in mysterious life forces to keep me alive and sentient.
I depend on the society and infrastructure around me. The synchronicity of these systems operate for my benefit. I am grateful to live when science and medicine can understand and cure life-threatening diseases and disorders. I am grateful for the competent medical professionals that heal the sick and ailing. I am grateful to live in a country where medical care is a universal service.
Embrace the Unknown
Can life go back to be the way it was before?
If anything, this is a wake up call. Life is precious. Life is finite. There are no guarantees. Today is valuable.
Don’t wait for tomorrow to be happy. Laugh and love this moment. Enjoy what I have right now.
I need to embrace the uncertainty of life. Like a painting in process- life has has so much that is undecided and messy, There are unfinished areas and incompletions. There are more hopes than solutions.
If all the answers are known, painting would be dione, and the story would end.
The way a painting begins is often not the way it ends.
There is so much life still ahead. My story continues and evolves. I need to keep doing the things I care about. My quest continues.
“… And so keep alive the incentive to push further, that pain in the soul which drives us beyond ourselves. Whither that I don’t know. That I don’t ask to know.“
Dag Hammarkjold
