Resolving Old Habits

Changing How I Live

Writing a blog

It’s 2024 and time for new resolutions. What needs to change?

As I work on this post, I am eating breakfast while I check my phone for emails. Music is playing, as I stretch my sore knee and type another sentence. The day is rushing by as my mind jumps from thought to thought. I won’t feel happy until this post is published. This busyness has a familiar pattern.

Business and Busyness

I have worked hard all my life. When I retired from my science career, I became a full-time art student. After my BFA, I began a career in art.

For a decade I immersed myself in the art business. I built a portfolio, developed a niche, and made lots and lots of paintings. I networked, marketed and sold my art. It was (and is) stressfully satisfying. I have always been busy.

Creating Time

Over the decades I prioritized efficiency and speed to create more time for productivity.

I multitasked everything I could. I planned breakfast when I showered, evaluated traffic when I ate and theorized science as I commuted.

I juggled 3 or 4 activities simultaneously. I would read a book, listen to music, look after the baby, and do yoga.

Chasing Carrots

Multitasking was a carrot for saving time and completing my ‘to do’ list.

I rushed through everything I could. No time to waste! Why walk when you could run? I learned to speed read and paint fast. I crammed my day with frenetic activity.

I set goals, some small, some large, some unattainable. My happiness depended on these markers of success. I delayed any gratification to only the highest outcomes. Pain was part of the gain. Happiness depended on success.

Rushing Roulette

While I was highly productive in reaching goals. I had a problem: my mind was always somewhere else and one step ahead. The destination was my top priority and much was lost in this preoccupation.

The future was my focus, and the present always seemed a distraction and not a place to linger. I regret the moments I never savoured. I didn’t stop to hear my son’s laugh or enjoy my dog’s playfulness. I had been gambling the present for some unreachable future. I still am gambling away the present.

If happiness was the destination, the satisfaction was short lived. As quickly as one goal was attained, new ones were set. The train headed for a new destination before I could appreciate where I was. I was always on my way to somewhere else.

Limited

I am riding on a limited express, one of the crack trains of the nation.
Hurtling across the prairie into blue haze and dark air go fifteen all-steel coaches
holding a thousand people.
(All the coaches shall be scrap and rust and all the men and women laughing in the
diners and sleepers shall pass into ashes.)
I ask a man in the smoker where he going and he answers: “Omaha.”

Carl Sandburg
Rushing to Omaha

Getting Off the Train

I realize I have been on the express train to Omaha most of my adult life. I don’t want to take that train anymore. I look out the window and see life flashing past as a blur as I wait for Omaha to come into view. Then what?

Something big is missing. Satisfaction or contentment? It’s time I resolve to change how I live.

“… To the mortal man
We work our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe we’re gliding down the highway
When in fact we’re slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away”

Paul Simon- Slip Sliden Away

Resolving to Change

I have made my happiness and satisfaction depend on future destinations. Getting off the express train doesn’t mean my journey is over. I need to change my concept of living. I no longer need to be so efficient or accomplished. I want to find a slower heartfelt trail- where I can smell the honeysuckle.

Exploring Plaster
Painted Bottles

I want unstructured time. I want curiosity without regard to commercial sales. I want to paint portraits, carve wood, and make coloured glass bottles. I want to mess around.

I need to change my lifelong habits of rushing and multi-tasking my life.

Can I make the present more important than the future? Is it the journey itself that counts?

I have been telling myself “I will be happy when I get there’.

Maybe I need to say ‘I can be happy while I am getting there.”

I need to find out.

I am being driven forward into an unknown land.
The pass grows steeper and the air colder and sharper.
A wind from my unknown goal stirs the strings of expectation.
Still the question- Shall I ever get there?
There, where life resounds,
A clear pure note
In the silence

Dag Hammarskjold

Into the Silence

Coming to Terms

The Call

When the phone rang, my wife answered. She rushed to my studio and said “It’s the urologist”.

“The biopsy analyses have shown you have non-aggresive prostate cancer. The bone scan and MRI show no evidence of spread beyond the prostate. The prognosis for recovery is good.”

The uncertainty is over. The facts are known. Disfunction at the cellular level needs attention. Illness and disease is upon me and in me. This diagnosis is better than I had imagined. I am relieved the cancer is treatable.

Choices

A week after the phone call, I met with a specialist who offered a choice of treatments, starting in a few months. Both treatments have serious side effects. Removing the prostate risks incontinence and loss of libido. Radiation and hormone therapy imply loss of energy, vitality, and libido. While my cancer is non-aggressive the treatments may be necessary to prevent the growth of any aggressive cells.

The likelihood of prostate cancer increases as men get older. It is a hazard of aging. Some articles offer a condescending assessment of this situation:

Because prostate cancer often grows very slowly, older people are often more likely to die of other causes before it becomes a threat. In such cases, treatment may do more harm than good because of potential side effects, such as erection problems and incontinence. And the older you are, the more likely you are to have other medical problems, which can make surgery, for example, more risky.

If you’re at higher risk of dying from something other than prostate cancer, … the goal is to keep you comfortable and increase your quality of life, rather than to try to stop the disease itself.

Web MD

While this passage may have good intentions, I find no comfort or reassurance. If I am unhealthy and old, I will be ‘set out to pasture’. If I am healthy with a chance to live long, I wil face invasive life-altering treatments. It’s a no-win choice.

I am at a fork in the road with both paths leading to difficulty.

How do I decide? I feel like a gambler at a Vegas Casino putting my life savings on one bet. What are the odds I win? What are the odds that I lose?

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it!”

Yogi Berra

Loss and Sadness

Honestly I am unsure how I am right now. I feel strong emotions. My outlook changes day to day and hour by hour. Sometimes I am sanguine and detached- observing my life from afar. Sometimes I feel upset, angry and in denial of my situation.

I feel the loss of carefree living. I am preoccupied with my health. I fear the loss of vitality during treatment. I fear becoming dependent on loved ones for help and reassurance. Old age looms and thoughts of death arise. It is testing my character and my beliefs.

I want to rise above these volatile feelings and offer a wise and inspiring outlook for this blog post. That would be dishonest.

I don’t feel like a ‘kindly old man’ that someone once called me. I am rejecting a passive ‘ho hum’ response to my choices. I seek genuine emotion. An easy life is not my goal.

Feisty!

I am still a hockey player, a soccer player, an artist, a husband, a father- and a boyish kid sometimes. I am stil curious, loving and emotional. I am not set in my ways. I am adaptable. Most of all

“I am not dead!- yet.”

I am not ready to pack it in and let my life run slowly to nothing.

My mother lived to her 101st year. She was determined to be as independent as possible and resisted giving up living her way. My brother said she was ‘feisty to the end’ in his eulogy. I want to be feisty too.

The Way Ahead

I am not at a fork in the road. While I might have to choose radiation or surgery, I am free to decide many things. I can be passive or proactive. I can be optimistic or skeptical. I can be curious. I can be inspired by new experiences. I can find beauty and purpose in unexpected outcomes.

I am transforming from one state of being to another. Rather than fear this new state, maybe I can accept a life based on spirituality, contemplation, and health.

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.

Marie Curie

I don’t want to lose the wonder of the world I felt at the beginning of my life. I need to be here and now in the present. Let tomorrow, and tomorrow after tomorrow be whatever life offers. I must come to terms with my personal encounter with life and death.

Acknowledgment

I am carried forward by others.

I am far from the first to deal with this infirmity. Many have survived life-threatening diseases and calamity. I feel inadequate by comparison.

I am joining the countless people on the path of healing and recovery. I can draw from their courage and experience to be optimistic and reassured.

I want to acknowledge and thank my friends, relations and colleagues, who have offered love and support as I recover.

I am not alone.

Upheaval

Am I Well?

I am experiencing an unexpected health scare.

Under the microscope

A month ago I checked my blood pressure. It was high. My doctor recommended blood tests, and one was abnormally high. A specialist who did more tests flagged a possible serious condition.

Life’s Illusions

Now I am undergoing more tests with large machines probing my innermost parts. I face another month waiting for results. So much is uncertain.

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you”. Not true- it’s a foolish idea. Ignorance is no longer bliss.

Facing My Fears

Life is no longer normal. I have abruptly fallen off my path. I feel turmoil. Could the tests show I am healthy? I am clinging to hope. I want to be optimistic, but I am unable to override my worst fears. How bad can it be?

Falling off the path

Life is a mess. My plans and my routines no longer seen meaningful. How can I carry out a normal day? I don’t feel the desire to be creative. Will I recover? Will my creativity return? My thoughts are as chaotic as my paint palette. Can I accept an uncertain future?

All Mixed Up

Reflection and Gratitude

What can I do with all this turmoil ? If I step back from panic and take a meditative outlook, I may find perspective.

The truth is that something might be wrong within me. I am unaware of what that is. The machines will discover the truth. I will have to face that reality and adjust my life. This may be hard to do. Once I accept what is true, the path to recovery can begin.

I am grateful to have a companion who is willing to share this journey. That I am not facing this alone brings great comfort. I so appreciate her acts of care and love.

Aging and health concerns are universal. Friends and relations have shared their difficult health experiences. They offer reassurance that remediation is likely and effective.

Dependency

Life depends on a deep inner world and an complex outer world.

My conscious mind is just a small part of my being. While I might control my thoughts and emotions, I have no direct control of the billions of cells that form my body and make me a living entity. How my organs synchronize to provide energy and health are beyond my comprehension. I have to trust in mysterious life forces to keep me alive and sentient.

I depend on the society and infrastructure around me. The synchronicity of these systems operate for my benefit. I am grateful to live when science and medicine can understand and cure life-threatening diseases and disorders. I am grateful for the competent medical professionals that heal the sick and ailing. I am grateful to live in a country where medical care is a universal service.

Embrace the Unknown

Can life go back to be the way it was before?

If anything, this is a wake up call. Life is precious. Life is finite. There are no guarantees. Today is valuable.

Don’t wait for tomorrow to be happy. Laugh and love this moment. Enjoy what I have right now.

A work In progress

I need to embrace the uncertainty of life. Like a painting in process- life has has so much that is undecided and messy, There are unfinished areas and incompletions. There are more hopes than solutions.

If all the answers are known, painting would be dione, and the story would end.

The way a painting begins is often not the way it ends.

There is so much life still ahead. My story continues and evolves. I need to keep doing the things I care about. My quest continues.

… And so keep alive the incentive to push further, that pain in the soul which drives us beyond ourselves. Whither that I don’t know. That I don’t ask to know.

Dag Hammarkjold

Art as Provocation

Getting Noticed

In my post, Blogging for Profit, I lamented on the clamour for publicity in the desire for money and profit. I emphasized the nefarious ways websites and magazines generate reader clicks and subscriptions.

There are also legitimate ways to get noticed. If the quality of the product is excellent, and the service is required, a business should succeed. The same is true in art.

Paying to Survive

The business of art requires profits. Professional artists need to sell their work to earn a living. Art galleries need to earn a commission on sales to keep operating. Museums and public galleries need customers to pay for their infrastructure. Publicity is required to induce patrons and customers to view art and make purchases.

How do artists become known? Let’s look at some famous artists.

Provocation in Art

One way to become famous is to be provocative. Over the centuries artists achieved prominence by provoking society to see art and culture in new ways.

Classical painting previously painted the ruling and upper classes, mythic gods and religious narratives. Gustave Courbet and Eduoard Manet painted ordinary people (even prostitutes) as legitimate subject matter, shocking public sensibilities.

Manet’s Olympia

The Impressionist and the Expressionist painters broke convention by painting in unrealistic colours and distorting perspective. This shocked and upset many art patrons and public sensibilities.

Picasso broke the picture into cubes, and the Fauves used garish colours in their compositions. Picasso created disturbing, ugly paintings to convey the horrors of warfare.

Pablo Picasso

Rene Magritte, Marcel Duchamp and Philip Guston disrupted the conventions of what constitutes art.

These paintings provoked the viewer into uncomfortable emotions and outrage. They upset cultural sensibilities. They created art which did not evoke skill, inspiration, or beauty.

Getting Attention

Thus urge to provoke and upset continues today. Some artists are at the forefront of social change, confronting racism, women’s rights, injustice, and any and every social norm.

As we become more inured to what is shocking, each generation of artists finds more outrageous ways to provoke. We have human portraits sculpted from frozen blood, huge sharks preserved in glass tanks of formaldehyde, canned human excrement, or a banana taped to a gallery wall.

Do we have to go to further extremes to get publicity? Hopefully we can look elsewhere for the answer.

Finding Provocation

As artists and creators how can we be provocative? Being provocative means pushing ourselves to be more expressive, more introspective, more sensitive to our discourse while keeping true to ourselves and our values.

The essence of art making is to create a reaction in ourselves and the viewer that goes way beyond ‘meh’.

Learning to Provoke

In art school our art projects stimulated creativity and pushed us to find our visual voice. The studio creations showed how unique each student could be. Critiques and evaluations provided valuable feedback on what was effective and what was deficient.

Art school helped me to be provocative and expressive. An example is a portrait of Marcel Duchamp I painted (below). My objective was to provoke the provoker by mocking his urinal sculpture (note the little turds and urinal).

I realize this was just an art school joke about my belief that a urinal is not art.

Art should be more than a contrived Look at me!” or “See how clever I am”.

Taboos

Provocation can also be accidental. For example nudity is a topic with the potential to be misinterpreted. For some audiences it is a taboo and can be mistaken for pornography.

I enjoy drawing the human figure. I want to show its grace and beauty. Is my drawing provocative and titillating to the viewer for purient reasons?

Am I using nudity for shock? Certainly with society’s sensitivity to equality and gender issues, a male artist drawing a female may be considered inappropriate and his art no longer legitimate. Should I only draw male nudes? Or unattractive nudes? I don’t know the answer.

Other taboo subjects that can be provocative include portraying religious and political beliefs or deeply held social conventions. Using Nazi symbols, mocking God, or Buddha, showing sexual acts, or vivid scenes of carnage are all provocative and socially taboo. An artist who invokes these topics should expect or welcome controversy and ostracism.

Banksy showing an iconic image from Vietnam war with Mickey and Ronald MacDonald

As an activist, Banksy uses art as a way to raise awareness and protest against current issues such as climate change, military conflicts, and poverty.

Diggit Magazine

Authentic Provocation

The word ‘provoke’ is itself provoking. Other words may better describe what our incentive should be. We want to ‘instill’ or ‘inspire’ or ‘evoke’ or ‘reveal’ or ‘awaken’ something in the viewer. When we have created something special or meaningful, we want to offer it to an audience.

We want our creation to be authentic to who we are, what we see, what we feel, what we believe, what really moves us. If publicity has any value we want the publicity to further our reputation. We want our name aligned with the art we create.

In my last year of art school each graduate created a body of work for public viewing. The artists’ statements offer insight into the motivations, intentions and framework behind the shows. This is what provokes the artist.

Here is part of my artist statement for my graduate show: “Public Place, Private Space”

My cityscape paintings portray settings which create ambivalent and contradictory feelings, such as inspiration and intimidation, freedom and confinement. Does the city offer beauty or brutality, utility or complexity, ease or anxiety? These paintings look at the confusions and contradictions created within people and places by modern technology.

Ron Kuwahara

The paintings below convey the effect of cityscapes on its citizens.

These painting align with my intentions and helps me to build the reputation that I want. I want to be known as an artist who cares about the well-being of the ordinary citizen.

Summary

Art needs to create a reaction in the viewer, some works are provocative, some are subtle, some are subliminal. When an artist finds that ‘buzz’, the work and the resultant publicity is successful. It assists the artist in building a reputation and a viewership.

When I’m at my best, I’m trying to destabilize myself and figure out new ways of approaching art as a provocation. I think I am at my best when I push myself into a place where I don’t have all the answers.

Kehinde Wiley

Art is the provocation for talking about enigma and the search for sense in human life. One can do that by telling a story or writing about a fresco by Giotto or studying how a snail climbs up a wall.

John Berger

Vienna: Part 2

MONUMENT AGAINST WAR AND FASCISM

Just a Tourist

In this post I review Vienna as a tourist, and then delve into Vienna’s history.

I traveled to Vienna as a tourist with little prior knowledge of Austria, its history or its culture. I met my son in Vienna as he was completing a multi- month tour of Eastern Europe. We stayed in a modest AirBnB apartment 2 km from the city centre (Innere Stadt).

Google and the Internet provided the maps, guides, and translations we required to plan and organize our excursions. We used the public transportation network of subways, trams, and buses for our travels. It was efficient, low cost and easy to use. We walked extensively throughout the city

Cafe Central

We ate street food and fancier meals at iconic Viennese restaurants. We indulged in the art, music and museum scene as discussed in the previous post.

Personal Encounters

I have only praise for Vienna and its citizens. Our main interactions with the Viennese were with our AirBnB host, the numerous waiters, shopkeepers and tour guides. They were all helpful and respectful. We mingled with regular citizens of various ethnicities while shopping in markets, sitting on trams or relaxing in parks. We enjoyed the musicians and dancers.

The city felt efficient, clean, safe and welcoming. I would highly recommend a visit to this beautiful city.

Vienna Beyond Tourism

Of course Vienna is far more than a beautiful tourist attraction. A city as old as Vienna contains innumerable layers of politics, history and culture. Vienna experienced centuries of immigration, conquest, assimilation, expansion, exploitation, victories and defeats, creating the city that exists today. While I am an avid reader of European history, I don’t know enough to offer a meaningful perspective on Vienna’s history. A moral and ethical assessment depends on who evaluates the outcomes.

Anschluss

A period of history often lost to the tourist is the role that Austria played prior to World War II.

On March 11–13, 1938, Nazi Germany annexed the neighboring country of Austria (Österreich). This event is known as the Anschluss. “Anschluss” is a German word that means “connection” or “joining.”

Google

City Hall and the Hofburg Palace

A visitor to … the curved colonnaded Neue Burg wing of Vienna’s imperial Hofburg Palace, can walk right up to doors that lead to one of the most infamous balconies in Austrian history: the site of Adolf Hitler’s speech on March 15, 1938, in which he announced to cheering Austrians that his birth country had been incorporated into the Third Reich, an event known as the Anschluss. Yet the doors stay closed, making it impossible for a visitor to step out onto what is sometimes called the “Hitler balcony.”

Google dw.com

Was Austria complicit in sustaining the atrocities of Nazi Germany? Should Vienna be condemned for its role? While I unequivocally condemn Nazism and Fascism, my judgment of Vienna is less clear.

I cannot condemn Vienna for its darker history, unless I am willing to offer a similar judgment on my own behaviour. I have certainly ignored or harmed others (perhaps inadvertently) in the pursuit of my own goals. Some victories have meant defeat for my rivals. I have applauded leaders who supported my beliefs, and I have formed alliances that I have later regretted. I have turned a blind eye to suffering, and I have ignored pleas for aid. I have avoided conflict where righteous action was needed. Is a city history any different my personal history?

Indeed the reasons I love Vienna and reasons I dislike Vienna are the very values that I love and hate about myself.

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone,”

Bible. John 8:7.

Accepting Responsibility

Monument Against War and Fascism

The opinions of today’s Viennese citizens are far more legitimate than mine. It is important that Vienna’s role in the Anschluss is being acknowledged and not denied. Vienna has built the Monument Against War and Fascism on Albertinaplatz, behind Vienna’s Opera House to acknowledge victims of war and violence, and the 65000 Viennese Jews who died in concentration camps.

Conquest and Exploitation

Vienna played a key role in many world-changing events. The whole history of the Austro-Hungarian Empire must hold some dark chapters. Consider the Napoleonic Wars, World War I and colonization. Do the Vienna museums and galleries display the spoils of war and political conquest?

Welt Museum

A partial answer was provided in a notice at the entrance to the Welt Museum (World Ethnographic Museum)

Aztec Headdress

Most of the world’s population was dominated by foreign powers in the years between 1500 and 1920. This foreign rule was defined by conflicts and exploitation. Against this backdrop, ethnographic museums flourished in the 19th and 20th centuries and shaped stereotypical beliefs of lost or colonised cultures. As our Museum was one of those benefitting from Europe’s colonial expansion, the stories behind many objects and how they were acquired deal with appropriation and colonial violence.

Although the colonies gradually fought for and were granted their independence after World War Il, it was as if time stood still in ethnographic museums. The cherished and seemingly timeless conceptions of “us” and “them” were only hesitantly challenged as late as in the 1980s.

Today we face our colonial past not only to raise awareness but also to learn from it. After all, how we deal with our collections and the people related to them in the present will shape the image of ethnographic collections in the future.”

Vienna Welt Museum

Notorious Artist

In his 1925 autobiography Mein Kampf, Adolf Hitler described how, in his youth, he wanted to become a professional artist, but his dreams were ruined because he failed the entrance exam of the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna. Hitler was rejected twice by the institute, once in 1907 and again in 1908.

Google

A tour guide told us that Adolf Hitler hated Vienna after he was rejected by the art academy. The guide suggested World War II may have been drastically different had Hitler been accepted into art school and became an artist.

Should we blame Vienna for Hitler’s conversion to politics? Should we applaud Vienna for maintaining high artistic standards? Here is a painting by Adolf Hitler. Judge for yourself.

Wikimedia

Adolf Hitler: Alpenhof

Nobody is Perfect

Each of us is a mixture of good qualities,
and some not so good qualities.
In considering our fellow man we should remember his good qualities, and realize
his faults only prove that he is, after all a human being.
We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be
A Dirty Rotten
No Good
Son of a Bitch!

(Anonymous)

and a ruthless, evil, mass murderer and war criminal