Health is my priority this autumn. I completed 20 days of radiation for prostate cancer. I still suffer side effects in my lower digestive tract. I am continuing with 18 months. of androgen deprivation therapy to remove all testosterone (the source of nutrition for cancer cells) from my body.
How have I been affected by cancer? Here are some experiences during my 20 episodes of radiation.
For every session I lie at a precise position inside a doughnut shaped machine . The machine inspects my body and locates the prostate. I hear the machine emit 12 shots of high energy radiation with a bee-like buzz. I lie motionless and feel nothing. I trust that my cells will respond and a cure is taking place.
I am beholden to the science of medicine and the machines that precisely attack tumours and cancer cells. We patients are relying on technology that lies far beyond our control and comprehension.
I feel indebted to the staff at the Halifax Radiation Centre. Like most human organizations, it has shortcomings and limitations, but the people there are empathetic and helpful. I trust them. Each session proceeds with careful attention to detail.
Prostate radiation requires a routine to ensure that the lower digestive organs stay in place, away from the prostate. Each day for 20 days I gulp a 1/2 liter of water in the waiting room and wait 3/4 hour for my bladder to fill.
The waiting room is full of radiation patients accompanied by supportive partners. My wife, Kim, is with me everyday. I wonder how cancer has impacted these other families. What are their stories? Are they feeling like us?
One day we recognize someone in the waiting room. We know her as a competent professional. She is wearing a hospital gown and slippers. We have an awkward chat. I feel a shock that she too is vulnerable to cancer.
A mother brings a child in a wheelchair to the waiting room. My eyes water up as I wonder what illness brought this girl to the Radiation Centre. On other days her anguished cries can be heard as she protests yet another treatment.
KIm brings a bag of art supplies to the waiting room. Each day she draws something in a small book . By the end of the treatments her book is filled with tiny captivating images.
I read articles on my iPhone as I wait for my turn. There are stories of unexpected death. A billionaire and colleagues drown when their super yacht capsized in a freak storm. Two professional hockey players are killed by a drunk driver while bicycling.
Webpages on prostate cancer describe a wide range of scenarios and outcomes. While most patients survive, each situation is unique. Some men die despite all efforts. (Telly Savalas, 70 (actor), Frank Zappa, 52 (rock star), James Herriot, 79 (author), Francois Mitterrand, 79 (French President).
An artist friend confides that she has Parkinson’s disease. Her future may unfold with difficulty.
In the evenings I watch the TV Serial ‘Shogun’. It is a wonderful depiction of feudal Japan where life is never guaranteed, and death may be more honourable than living. The story examines the fragility and transience of life.
Our son came home from graduate school to spend time with us during my treatment. Moments swimming together at a lake or the ocean epitomized the summer vacation that I wanted so much.
One weekend I was carrying our kayak up a steep bank after a paddle. I lost my footing. In a flash I rolled down the bank, over stone stairs into the lake. The kayak landed on top of me. Stunned, I stumbled out of the water with red bruises on my arms and legs. It could have been much worse- a broken arm, a broken hip, or a concussion. The lifeguards patched me up.
These experiences have metastasized within my subconscious and profoundly changed me.
Transformation
These weeks of treatmentm while difficult, feel precious in retrospect. Thinking about life is not the same as experiencing the reality of life.
Intellectually I have known the following truths: money and fame don’t guarantee a long life; health is fragile and precious; family time is rare can’t be taken for granted. This cancer hit me with these realities to show what they truly mean.
My life may be ordinary and quietly uneventful. Now I see it is full of wonderful moments! I sit in my garden and marvel at its beauty and its freshness.
I am grateful to be playing sports or preparing a meal. I am not waiting for a better game tomorrow. I am enjoying my experience today.
Revelation
Uncalled for feelings arise within me.! Strong emotions flood over me and through me. I experience moments of pure rapture! It’s wonderful. Isn’t that the ultimate goal for an artist?
Rapture: it’s happiness so extreme that you just about float to heaven… Traditionally reserved for those feeling spiritual ecstasy, rapture now extends to anyone feeling overwhelmed by emotion. ” Google
Experiences cannot be preserved but must be savoured when they happen. Waiting for a happier future may be an illusion. The present moment holds all the ingredients to happiness.
Does my encounter with cancer make me fear death more? Not really. My infirmity has offered a lesson- that life is precious. My ordinary life seems more valuable than ever.
There may not be a tomorrow! I must experience the present, no matter how imperfect, for whatever it offers.
“How beautiful life is and how sad! How fleeting, with no past and no future, only a limitless now.”
― James Clavell, Shōgun
