The Call
When the phone rang, my wife answered. She rushed to my studio and said “It’s the urologist”.
“The biopsy analyses have shown you have non-aggresive prostate cancer. The bone scan and MRI show no evidence of spread beyond the prostate. The prognosis for recovery is good.”
The uncertainty is over. The facts are known. Disfunction at the cellular level needs attention. Illness and disease is upon me and in me. This diagnosis is better than I had imagined. I am relieved the cancer is treatable.
Choices
A week after the phone call, I met with a specialist who offered a choice of treatments, starting in a few months. Both treatments have serious side effects. Removing the prostate risks incontinence and loss of libido. Radiation and hormone therapy imply loss of energy, vitality, and libido. While my cancer is non-aggressive the treatments may be necessary to prevent the growth of any aggressive cells.
The likelihood of prostate cancer increases as men get older. It is a hazard of aging. Some articles offer a condescending assessment of this situation:
Because prostate cancer often grows very slowly, older people are often more likely to die of other causes before it becomes a threat. In such cases, treatment may do more harm than good because of potential side effects, such as erection problems and incontinence. And the older you are, the more likely you are to have other medical problems, which can make surgery, for example, more risky.
If you’re at higher risk of dying from something other than prostate cancer, … the goal is to keep you comfortable and increase your quality of life, rather than to try to stop the disease itself.
Web MD
While this passage may have good intentions, I find no comfort or reassurance. If I am unhealthy and old, I will be ‘set out to pasture’. If I am healthy with a chance to live long, I wil face invasive life-altering treatments. It’s a no-win choice.
I am at a fork in the road with both paths leading to difficulty.
How do I decide? I feel like a gambler at a Vegas Casino putting my life savings on one bet. What are the odds I win? What are the odds that I lose?
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it!”
Yogi Berra
Loss and Sadness
Honestly I am unsure how I am right now. I feel strong emotions. My outlook changes day to day and hour by hour. Sometimes I am sanguine and detached- observing my life from afar. Sometimes I feel upset, angry and in denial of my situation.
I feel the loss of carefree living. I am preoccupied with my health. I fear the loss of vitality during treatment. I fear becoming dependent on loved ones for help and reassurance. Old age looms and thoughts of death arise. It is testing my character and my beliefs.
I want to rise above these volatile feelings and offer a wise and inspiring outlook for this blog post. That would be dishonest.
I don’t feel like a ‘kindly old man’ that someone once called me. I am rejecting a passive ‘ho hum’ response to my choices. I seek genuine emotion. An easy life is not my goal.
Feisty!
I am still a hockey player, a soccer player, an artist, a husband, a father- and a boyish kid sometimes. I am stil curious, loving and emotional. I am not set in my ways. I am adaptable. Most of all
“I am not dead!- yet.”
I am not ready to pack it in and let my life run slowly to nothing.
My mother lived to her 101st year. She was determined to be as independent as possible and resisted giving up living her way. My brother said she was ‘feisty to the end’ in his eulogy. I want to be feisty too.
The Way Ahead
I am not at a fork in the road. While I might have to choose radiation or surgery, I am free to decide many things. I can be passive or proactive. I can be optimistic or skeptical. I can be curious. I can be inspired by new experiences. I can find beauty and purpose in unexpected outcomes.
I am transforming from one state of being to another. Rather than fear this new state, maybe I can accept a life based on spirituality, contemplation, and health.
“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.“
I don’t want to lose the wonder of the world I felt at the beginning of my life. I need to be here and now in the present. Let tomorrow, and tomorrow after tomorrow be whatever life offers. I must come to terms with my personal encounter with life and death.
Acknowledgment
I am far from the first to deal with this infirmity. Many have survived life-threatening diseases and calamity. I feel inadequate by comparison.
I am joining the countless people on the path of healing and recovery. I can draw from their courage and experience to be optimistic and reassured.
I want to acknowledge and thank my friends, relations and colleagues, who have offered love and support as I recover.
