Daily Living Archives - The Aging Artist

Home Invasion

Robbed and Beaten

I have inadvertently let an intruder into my home. He entered by a back door, and now he is running amok and destroying so much of my beautiful sanctuary.

It started years ago when I bought my first cellphone. The screen icons invited me to check the weather, the time and sports scores. Next I started reading news headlines The phone put a window into the wider world conveniently at my fingertips. Over the years viewing information from my phone became a daily habit. I didn’t realize the consequences this could have.

I am fully immersed in the iPhone universe with the latest technology. But now I feel compelled to read and watch whatever my phone is pushing my way.

Shadows

I have my own echo chamber of course, most apps and information feeds are populated with visual arts, hockey, and liberal minded articles that focus on an integrated and harmonious world.

My view of life is not shared by everyone. There are significant multitudes that have drastically different political, economic,and societal beliefs and outlooks. I am fine with all these differences, Having a broad spectrum on ideas and beliefs should be encouraged. That’s fine by me. The world needs and thrives on diversity and and difference. I want to learn by viewing life through other perspectives.

Like the sorcerer’s apprentice, the phone offers me great powers. Like the apprentice in Walt Disney’s Fantasia wielding great power means simple commands can quickly get out of control. Instead of being my benign servant, the phone has suddenly overtaken control and is flooding me with unwanted rumours, opinions and propaganda.

My phone opened the door to an intruder’s ideas, emotions and fears. He brought in his hatred of those who disagree with his views. Donald Trump and all his supporters have entered my space and overtaken the peaceful world I live in.

I am told there are enemies and conspirators everywhere. The world is divided into two categories: the worthy and unworthy. Anyone who has a different opinion or culture or ethnicity is unworthy of inclusion.

He believes “What you gain is my loss. When you win, I lose.There are NO win/ win possibilities.. The choice is black and white. The choice is you or me, and I won’t accept losing to you. “

These aggressive views are growing, and social media is overflowing with this attitude. My phone is overflowing with this poison.

It seems too late to shut the gate as my Trojan Horse has let these views directly into my home and, far worse, into my mind.

Infection and Spread

I fear that there is less tolerance for variety and openness.What is most insidious, my own polarization is growing. I have become infected and spreading the polarization further.

My tolerance is changing to intolerance. My goodwill is turning to animosity. Now I am calling those who hold opposing views enemies. I am judging all Americans to be distrustful, the same as their leader.

STOP!

Can I stop this intrusion and contagion? I need to find a way to recover and restore my home once again. I don’t know how this will change. I am out of balance and falling!

“When you are a hammer. everything else looks like a nail”

Tolerance is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other’s folly.” Voltaire

Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.”
Robert Green Ingersol

Year End Reflections

Unexpected Events

I expected 2024 to unfold like the year before. I expected it to be comfortable and routine.

Extremism

2024 was the worst of times. The external world and my personal world were unexpectedly chaotic. (Okay, I should have expected the outer world to be an unpredictable mess.) There were housing crises, immigration crises, and political crises. There were hurricanes, floods, forest fires and extreme heat. Economies faced inflation and stagnation. There were revolutions and wars. Artificial Intelligence threatened jobs and humanity.

Down in the Depths

Personally 2024 began with the threat of metastatic cancer. Numerous tests and scans identified prostate cancer and I underwent intense radiation and hormone therapy. It was unpleasant but necessary. In September I had a trabeculectomy to stabilize the glaucoma in my right eye. For a month my eyesight was blurry, and I couldn’t drive or exert myself.

These infirmities overtook my sense of wellbeing. Giving up driving, giving up sports and giving up painting and living a shorter life seemed imminent possibilities.

I felt angry and upset at the way the world was unfolding. I was sad and disappointed. I have been despairing, anxious and reactive. I have felt impatient, frustrated, numb and heartbroken.

Uprisings

Eventually my optimism returned,.In November my oncologist confirmed that my prostate cancer had been eliminated. My eyesight recovered sufficiently to allow me to drive and to play sports. I was able to resume my normal life.

All that I had lost during my infirmity was rediscovered, but with much more value. Normal wasn’t just normal any more. It became wonderful!

I have felt surprised and encouraged, hopeful and appreciative. I have felt relief and compassion, I have experienced thankfulness and contentment. I have felt humbled and honoured.

The Best of Times

Accepting the limits of life changed my perspective. Sometimes I feel unbidden joy and and deep elation. Ultimately 2024 made me much more appreciative of my life. I want to feel the full gamut of emotions.

I want to love, hate, fight for (and against) this crazy unfathomable, overwhelmingly complex ugly and beautiful world.

2025! Bring it on!

Coming to Terms

The Call

When the phone rang, my wife answered. She rushed to my studio and said “It’s the urologist”.

“The biopsy analyses have shown you have non-aggresive prostate cancer. The bone scan and MRI show no evidence of spread beyond the prostate. The prognosis for recovery is good.”

The uncertainty is over. The facts are known. Disfunction at the cellular level needs attention. Illness and disease is upon me and in me. This diagnosis is better than I had imagined. I am relieved the cancer is treatable.

Choices

A week after the phone call, I met with a specialist who offered a choice of treatments, starting in a few months. Both treatments have serious side effects. Removing the prostate risks incontinence and loss of libido. Radiation and hormone therapy imply loss of energy, vitality, and libido. While my cancer is non-aggressive the treatments may be necessary to prevent the growth of any aggressive cells.

The likelihood of prostate cancer increases as men get older. It is a hazard of aging. Some articles offer a condescending assessment of this situation:

Because prostate cancer often grows very slowly, older people are often more likely to die of other causes before it becomes a threat. In such cases, treatment may do more harm than good because of potential side effects, such as erection problems and incontinence. And the older you are, the more likely you are to have other medical problems, which can make surgery, for example, more risky.

If you’re at higher risk of dying from something other than prostate cancer, … the goal is to keep you comfortable and increase your quality of life, rather than to try to stop the disease itself.
Web MD

While this passage may have good intentions, I find no comfort or reassurance. If I am unhealthy and old, I will be ‘set out to pasture’. If I am healthy with a chance to live long, I wil face invasive life-altering treatments. It’s a no-win choice.

I am at a fork in the road with both paths leading to difficulty.

How do I decide? I feel like a gambler at a Vegas Casino putting my life savings on one bet. What are the odds I win? What are the odds that I lose?

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it!”

Yogi Berra

Loss and Sadness

Honestly I am unsure how I am right now. I feel strong emotions. My outlook changes day to day and hour by hour. Sometimes I am sanguine and detached- observing my life from afar. Sometimes I feel upset, angry and in denial of my situation.

I feel the loss of carefree living. I am preoccupied with my health. I fear the loss of vitality during treatment. I fear becoming dependent on loved ones for help and reassurance. Old age looms and thoughts of death arise. It is testing my character and my beliefs.

I want to rise above these volatile feelings and offer a wise and inspiring outlook for this blog post. That would be dishonest.

I don’t feel like a ‘kindly old man’ that someone once called me. I am rejecting a passive ‘ho hum’ response to my choices. I seek genuine emotion. An easy life is not my goal.

Feisty!

I am still a hockey player, a soccer player, an artist, a husband, a father- and a boyish kid sometimes. I am stil curious, loving and emotional. I am not set in my ways. I am adaptable. Most of all

“I am not dead!- yet.”

I am not ready to pack it in and let my life run slowly to nothing.

My mother lived to her 101st year. She was determined to be as independent as possible and resisted giving up living her way. My brother said she was ‘feisty to the end’ in his eulogy. I want to be feisty too.

The Way Ahead

I am not at a fork in the road. While I might have to choose radiation or surgery, I am free to decide many things. I can be passive or proactive. I can be optimistic or skeptical. I can be curious. I can be inspired by new experiences. I can find beauty and purpose in unexpected outcomes.

I am transforming from one state of being to another. Rather than fear this new state, maybe I can accept a life based on spirituality, contemplation, and health.

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.“

Marie Curie

I don’t want to lose the wonder of the world I felt at the beginning of my life. I need to be here and now in the present. Let tomorrow, and tomorrow after tomorrow be whatever life offers. I must come to terms with my personal encounter with life and death.

Acknowledgment

I am far from the first to deal with this infirmity. Many have survived life-threatening diseases and calamity. I feel inadequate by comparison.

I am joining the countless people on the path of healing and recovery. I can draw from their courage and experience to be optimistic and reassured.

I want to acknowledge and thank my friends, relations and colleagues, who have offered love and support as I recover.

I am not alone.

Happy Birthday?

What’s with this event called “Happy Birthday”? It happens once a year to everyone. It’s a day when we get to eat cake, blow out candles and indulge in having our way for 24 hours.

Birthdays were great when we were 9 or 10 and probably peaked at the age of 21 when we became real adults who could drink and vote.

Now as the decades pass, a birthday isn’t so much fun. Like Cinderella after the clock strikes midnight, we are left in tatters. “Holy Bleep!” We are a year older, we look in the mirror and imagine we see a more wrinkles, less hair, and our memory about yesterday has disappeared. We look more like the pumpkin. than prince charming.

We know we are getting old when It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

we know we are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

We know we are old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Pessimistically Optimistic

A birthday happened to me last weekend. I am faced with the cruel reality that I am a year older.

This could be a happy occasion, but I am unsure. The pessimist in me sees the sand draining from the hourglass, and feels infirmities slowly prevailing. Darwin told us only the fittest survive, and I survived another year.

The optimist in me wants to celebrate a year well lived with many many happy moments. My optimist is grateful for the parts that still function well. There is much more than mere survival.

It is not my habit to celebrate my birthday extravagantly. It’s a time of quiet introspection and resolve. It is a time to make changes based on recent experiences.

Magnificence

I once belonged to a men’s support group. We shared experiences in order to have fuller lives. Each meeting ended with this affirmation:

“We love and accept you just the way you are- in all your magnificence.”

At first this seemed to be an insincere and ridiculous affirmation. We were average, we were broken is various ways. We didn’t love ourselves very much.

However, something happens when we look at each other differently. The key phrase “just the way you are”, means we are worthy right now. We don’t need to improve, or achieve or become. We are accepted unconditionally. We are worthy, we are magnificent!

“Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”

Brené Brown

Figure drawing helped me see this clearly. As I draw the person before me, I am seeking something unique, something about their spirit. If I am observant enough, I might capture a bit of their magnificence. They are beautiful just the way they are.

Drawings from winter/ spring 2023

My birthday is a good time to apply this affirmation to myself, for myself.

I acknowledge my magnificence just the way I am.

If I don’t see myself as special, no outside compliment will overcome my critical self judgement.

It’s time for me to find and acknowledge my own uniqueness, my own magnificence- if only for a moment. I am worthy.

That is my birthday present.

I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.”
John Green

Blogging for Fame

What is the Price for Fame?

My secret ambition when I started this blog was to reach a large audience. I had visions of blogging to hundreds or thousands of readers. People around the world would ask “what did Ron write about today?” A Google search of a topic in art or aging would quickly lead to this blog. Fame and fortune would soon follow.

This desire was very naive and troubling.

Publicize or Languish

This vision of having a large readership can be ethically dangerous. The quest for fame is akin to the quest for higher profit: more readers, more subscriptions, more clicks, and more money!

To be famous and rich on the web, creating publicity is far more important than writing posts. It is tempting to find ways to ‘go viral’ to get readers.

Tempting Headlines

Here are some ways newspapers and websites create publicity and attention.

Fake News, False Facts

False information and fake news proliferate on the internet. People write almost anything to get noticed.

Provoke Controversy

If fake news doesn’t work, news channels use outrageous provocation to press our hot buttons to get us upset. The tabloids and their prominent columnists peddle sensational and controversial opinions. Their rhetoric instills curiosity and outrage.

News and information are becoming so biased and opinionated that we are wary of any information provided by the web. Facts and truth get lost to emotional reactions. Websites that provide factual information in a unbiased and rational manner are often overlooked and hard to find.

Stupidity and Misfortune

Writers provoke our curiosity by revealing the stupidity or misfortune of others.

Free Stuff or Easy Cheats

Other headlines tell us how to get more from less, to get more clicks on a webpage.

Catastrophizing Life

Headlines tell us what’s wrong with people, society or the world to get our attention.

“… it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Macbeth, William Shakespeare

My Headlines

Based on these tried and true techniques to grab attention, I should create provocative headlines to attract readers.

Ron’s headlines as clickbait.

He shared what he had with poor peasants

Make 10,000 paintings and sell them for $100

Food for Thought

It’s not surprising that many industries are putting profits ahead of the quality of products they produce. If people can be persuaded to pay more money for a fancier product than why not? Give them what they think they want. It’s usually short term pleasure over long term value.

Much of the food industry tempts people to buy products with promises of more flavour, sweeter taste, easy preparation, quicker cooking, or lower prices.

We can’t be sustained by fancy packaging and instant gratification. It’s no wonder we have an ongoing worldwide health crisis.

We require nutrition that promotes health and well-being. Wholesome food may not be so profitable to the manufacturer, but it will have far more benefit to the consumer.

No! No! No!

Similarly a blog needs to omit the bombast of outrageousness and shock. It needs to offer sustenance with a deeper level of satisfaction.

I am unwilling to provoke publicity just to entice more readers. I would rather have a small faithful readership who selects substance over frivolity. This blog will provide sincere and engaging content without sensationalizing the information.

Information is not knowledge, and knowledge is not wisdom. Reading – even browsing – an old book can yield sustenance denied by a database search. Patience is a virtue, gluttony a sin.”

James Gleick