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COVID19

Life Changing Encounter

I had an unpleasant surprise last week. I caught COVID!

In hindsight I shouldn’t have gone to the gym with a scratchy throat. I felt body aches and chills a few hours after my workout. When a fever developed, I went to bed early. Advil reduced the pain through the night. By morning I was really sick, and I tested positive for COVID!

COVID Fear

My deep fear COVID had been building from the beginning of the pandemic three years ago. Despite precautions I had now succumbed.

I tried to keep my mind from worst case scenarios but questions kept coming. Is this the end of good health? Will my life be changed forever by this contagion?

Fighting COVID

I was hopeful that my four vaccine shots would minimize my reaction to the virus. Government medical advice forn recovering from COVID depended on the severity of the symptoms.

I really felt awful: I had a fever, a raw sore throat, a nagging cough, aching muscles and extreme tiredness. I was also delusional: my mind was fixated on solving my unwellness as a complex puzzle. This delusion lasted two days and subsided when the fever and other symptoms diminished.

Recovery and Gratitude

Lots of rest was the cure. I had to surrender to the biological processes within my body to rescue me from COVID My ego and controlling willfulness were of little value in this fight. A loving and attentive spouse also helped my recovery.

I am relieved! As I write this, more than a week after COVID began, I am recovering well. Recent COVID tests were negative. Although tiredness and a dry cough linger, I retained my sense of smell, and I can breathe freely.

COVID Hindsight

Looking back at the past three years, it is hard to comprehend the toll that COVID has had on the economy and society the world over. Almost every family and individual has been affected in some way.

I am grateful for the innumerable efforts of clinicians, researchers, politicians and front line workers who have done so much to understand COVID and to minimize its impact.

Learning from COVID

Could society, government and individuals have handled this pandemic any differently than they did? There are so many opinions, attitudes and judgements on the source, cause, spread, prevention and cure for COVID. The impact and consequences of COVID have jolted humankind out of complacency.

COVID was a new danger that humankind had never faced. Although it was similar to other ravages in the past, its potential to devastate civilization provided critical moral and ethical dilemmas to everyone.

Lifeboats and Survival

Solving COVID is very similar to the ‘lifeboat’ question in ethics. Suppose you are lost at sea in a lifeboat with 50 people. If the boat can only sustain half that number, what is the solution to survival?

Who survives susch harrowing conditions?

Raft of the Medusa, Artist: Theodore Gericault

Some libertarians might say it’s the fittest that should survive and everyone should look out for themselves. Others may save the women and children; others would say ‘everyone or no one’. Some would refuse to decide and let circumstances dictate. Some would just give up and slip overboard. Others would defer to an autocratic leader to make all decisions. All of the choices are terrible and horrific for half of the people.

There is no right answer to the lifeboat dilemma. Some choices are better than others. If survival were based on killing the weaker ones, what mean-spirited selfish society would await the survivors?

After COVID

Similarly, what kind of society do we want to have after COVID is overcome? We often think that the only answer is the one we ourselves believe in. We want our plan! We want to exterminate other options.

For society to flourish we need to allow for differing views. We need a mixture of choices and attitudes to be heard. We need to heed the welfare of the vulnerable and powerless. We need to be responsible for the survival of as many people as possible.

To revisit the COVID history for lessons learned, we need to be cautious. People were making the best choices they could under difficult circumstances. I am glad that I was not required to make the hard choices for quarantines, masking and vaccination rule.

While I desire freedom to live as I want, there will always be limits to that freedom and responsibilities to ensure the health and safety of other citizens. That is what civilized societies do.

Resolving Old Habits

Changing How I Live

It’s 2024 and time for new resolutions. What needs to change?

As I work on this post, I am eating breakfast while I check my phone for emails. Music is playing, as I stretch my sore knee and type another sentence. The day is rushing by as my mind jumps from thought to thought. I won’t feel happy until this post is published. This busyness has a familiar pattern.

Business and Busyness

I have worked hard all my life. When I retired from my science career, I became a full-time art student. After my BFA, I began a career in art.

For a decade I immersed myself in the art business. I built a portfolio, developed a niche, and made lots and lots of paintings. I networked, marketed and sold my art. It was (and is) stressfully satisfying. I have always been busy.

Creating Time

Over the decades I prioritized efficiency and speed to create more time for productivity.

I multitasked everything I could. I planned breakfast when I showered, evaluated traffic when I ate and theorized science as I commuted.

I juggled 3 or 4 activities simultaneously. I would read a book, listen to music, look after the baby, and do yoga.

Multitasking was a carrot for saving time and completing my ‘to do’ list.

I rushed through everything I could. No time to waste! Why walk when you could run? I learned to speed read and paint fast. I crammed my day with frenetic activity.

I set goals, some small, some large, some unattainable. My happiness depended on these markers of success. I delayed any gratification to only the highest outcomes. Pain was part of the gain. Happiness depended on success.

Rushing Roulette

While I was highly productive in reaching goals. I had a problem: my mind was always somewhere else and one step ahead. The destination was my top priority and much was lost in this preoccupation.

The future was my focus, and the present always seemed a distraction and not a place to linger. I regret the moments I never savoured. I didn’t stop to hear my son’s laugh or enjoy my dog’s playfulness. I had been gambling the present for some unreachable future. I still am gambling away the present.

If happiness was the destination, the satisfaction was short lived. As quickly as one goal was attained, new ones were set. The train headed for a new destination before I could appreciate where I was. I was always on my way to somewhere else.

Limited

I am riding on a limited express, one of the crack trains of the nation.
Hurtling across the prairie into blue haze and dark air go fifteen all-steel coaches
holding a thousand people.
(All the coaches shall be scrap and rust and all the men and women laughing in the
diners and sleepers shall pass into ashes.)
I ask a man in the smoker where he going and he answers: “Omaha.”
Carl Sandburg

Getting Off the Train

I realize I have been on the express train to Omaha most of my adult life. I don’t want to take that train anymore. I look out the window and see life flashing past as a blur as I wait for Omaha to come into view. Then what?

Something big is missing. Satisfaction or contentment? It’s time I resolve to change how I live.

“… To the mortal man
We work our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe we’re gliding down the highway
When in fact we’re slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
Slip slidin’ away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip slidin’ away”

Paul Simon- Slip Sliden Away

Resolving to Change

I have made my happiness and satisfaction depend on future destinations. Getting off the express train doesn’t mean my journey is over. I need to change my concept of living. I no longer need to be so efficient or accomplished. I want to find a slower heartfelt trail- where I can smell the honeysuckle.

I want unstructured time. I want curiosity without regard to commercial sales. I want to paint portraits, carve wood, and make coloured glass bottles. I want to mess around.

I need to change my lifelong habits of rushing and multi-tasking my life.

Can I make the present more important than the future? Is it the journey itself that counts?

I have been telling myself “I will be happy when I get there’.

Maybe I need to say ‘I can be happy while I am getting there.”

I need to find out.

I am being driven forward into an unknown land.
The pass grows steeper and the air colder and sharper.
A wind from my unknown goal stirs the strings of expectation.
Still the question- Shall I ever get there?
There, where life resounds,
A clear pure note
In the silence

Dag Hammarskjold

Window into 2023

Getting Going

Publishing the agingartist blog has been gratifying. The more I publish, the more I feel motivated to address new topics.

As I ponder what to do, I stare out the window. My mind seems preoccupied as I contemplate the view. Is this procrastination or something else?

The Creative Process

Beginning a creative process seems chaotic. It starts with questions rather than answers. What am I curious about? What do I want to learn? What is making news in art?

From this cloud of questions come possibilities. How does technology influence art making? Are we oversaturated with imagery? What makes an image meaningful?

How do I turn these fuzzy thoughts into publishable material? That’s my problem.

Deduction and Induction

We use two thought processes, deduction and induction, to solve problems.

We often start with deduction: breaking a problem down into logical parts, then analysing each part for solutions. It’s like taking a motor apart and reassembling it with better components.

Perspiration or Inspiration

Sometimes a problem is unsolvable using deductive methods alone. We can hit a roadblock with no obvious way ahead. We get the urge to get up from the desk and pace around the room, or stare blankly out the window.

I was always puzzled by this urge to stop and take a break. I felt that I needed to think harder and to keep my nose to the grindstone until I cracked the problem. That approach often doesn’t work.

At an impasse we need to rethink the problem and consider unusual ‘outside the box’ possibilities . At this frustration point, we need to switch to inductive thinking.

Amnesia

To digress, consider what happens when we can’t recall a name. Suppose we forget the name of a person we haven’t seen in awhile, or the name of an old movie, book or song. Try as we might, we can’t remember that ##@$# name! When we give up trying and resume other activities, the forgotten name suddenly comes to mind. Ah ha!

Inspiration

Sometimes the unconscious part of me needs to take over the problem. It uses a myriad of circuits and processes that the conscious mind cannot access.

It takes time for the inductive process to digest the information in this unknowable way. That’s when the urge stop and stare out the window strikes. The subconscious mind is telling the deductive mind to go away. In the background while I am preoccupied with other things, my subconscious is fully engaged with the problem. When I am out on a walk, doing household chores, or at 4 am when I can’t sleep, a solution to will present itself, seemingly out of nowhere. Amazing and wonderful!

Is this inspiration at work? Unlike deductive thinking which follows a logical sequence of steps to a solution, inductive thinking or intuition is a mysterious process. It is the basis of creativity.

Deciding on topics for this blog requires retrieving information accumulated over a lifetime and buried in my memory. I need to relax and let the innate ‘Google’ inside of me find what I am looking for. The ‘light bulb’ will glow once the sunconscious mind is ready.

Intuition and Painting

Inductive thinking is a crucial ingredient of painting. We start with an vast number of options: what to paint and how to paint. We need to decide on topics, composition, medium, style, etc., etc. Our intuition makes some choices.

We start by deductively choosing colours and making marks .

Eventually these ideas are depleted. We pause and take a break while unconsciously thinking about the painting. A few hours or days later we return and see the painting with fresh eyes. This ‘deduce, pause, induce/ inspire’ cycle repeats over and over. The end product is often a surprise and not anything like our initial idea.

Here is a photograph that inspired a painting and the final landscape.

My idea of a productive day, as both a child and an adult, was reading for hours and staring out the window.“
Gail Caldwell

Inspiration Thwarted

Here is an interesting story about windows. I once worked at a research laboratory that had a beautiful outlook over the ocean with snow-covered mountains on the horizon.

View of Juan d Fuca Strait and the Olympic Mountains

Strangely, the large windows in every office were high on the wall so you could not see the marvelous view unless you were actually standing at the window.

I was told that the original laboratory manager had the building designed to prevent scientists from wasting time looking out the windows at the view. He must have been a deductive thinker and consequently quelled the creation of countless inspired ideas.

Looking out of windows is not procrastination: it is part of the creative process!

The results of my inductive contemplations will be evident in my future 2023 blog posts.

Happy Holidays!

To everyone reading this blog I wish you a satisfying and restorative holiday season, full of comfort and joy.

May you share good times with friends and family, celebrate valued traditions and reflect on the memories of 2022.

I wish you health that enables you to live a fulfilling active life.

Christmas Cards by Kay and Hiroshi, Garrison Green Seniors Home

“Happy holiday, happy holiday
While the merry bells keep ringing
May your every wish come true…
Seeing old friends, oh, the fun of it all
At holiday time, holiday time…
Presents and goodies and everything fine
Holiday time, holiday time…

May the calendar keep bringing
Happy holidays to you

Peggy Lee

A short video of winter paintings

Exclusive or Inclusive?

The ‘In Crowd’

I have always aspired to be part of the ‘In Crowd’. These are the people with the talent, beauty, or wealth that formed an inner circle of elites. To belong to this exclusive group is the mark of success and status. In high school I was envious of classmates who were more popular, more athletic, more handsome. I wanted what they had. I was unhappy about my inadequacy.

When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;…
Shakespeare, Sonnet 29

As a consequence, I imagined there must be a hierarchy of people based on their talent, beauty or wealth. The beautiful, rich and talented ones were superior to me while all others were in some way inferior. I envied those I judged to be superior and ignored those who were far below. This judgment colours many social situations.

Chasing Success

Society seems to reward achievement. Fame and reward go to those who succeed. Since I was a boy I have had this desire to be better than I am. I had to learn, study, and practice to be better in all aspects of my life.

In my need to succeed, I based my personal worth on performance. My sense of well being was dependent on approval. Instead of accepting that I was not musical or good at baseball, I concluded that I was a flawed person because of my poor skills. Even in activities I was good at, I found people who were better (hence superior) to me.

Much of my adult life I have felt an inadequacy about my capabilities, particularly in art. I still see the hierarchy that defines my place within the art world. I want to be invited into ‘In Crowd’, but often feel on the outside looking in and looking up.

Worthy or Not?

Awareness of my attitude came while attending my son’s grade 2 Christmas concert. As each class performed, I looked at the children. I noticed the kids with the best costume, the best voice, or the prettiest appearance.

Then I heard an inner voice say “Look at the children who are unseen”. I started seeing the plain kids, the shy ones, and those I judged to be unattractive. I suddenly felt terrible. Aren’t all children worthy of consideration?

In that moment I saw an ugly truth about my attitude. Those I judged above me deserved my respect. Those below were ignored and unworthy of my attention.

Who is worthy?

Who am I to judge anyone’s worth? Aren’t we all worthy of acceptance and inclusion? Can I be accepted even if I fail to impress? Maybe if I accepted others for their present capabilities, I could feel accepted too.

It’s not only others who I am shunning. I am also shunning parts of me that I consider inferior. Can I bring myself back into wholeness with a more inclusive outlook?

As I get older, the more I stay focused on the acceptance of myself and others, and choose compassion over judgment and curiosity over fear.“
Tracee Ellis Ross

Accepting Myself

No wonder my need for achievement was so important. If I failed to perform, I would be unworthy. I would feel shame in the presence of superior artists. My artwork would be judged and dismissed by the serious art world.

Still wanting to join an exclusive club of ‘successful’ artists is misdirected effort. Rather than feeling despondent that I am not a leading artist, or a prestigious award winner or a media favourite, it’s time that I accepted myself for who I am as an artist. Rather than lamenting what I am not, I want to feel that I have a role in the art scene.

I Don’t Want to Belong to Any Club That Will Accept Me as a Member
Groucho Marx

Community

I no longer want the art world to feel like an elitist hierarchy where I feel excluded. I want the art world to be a community of unique creators. I want to embrace the community of artists that I already know. I want to welcome artists who may be unseen and unappreciated.

All artists start as novices. Like the children in the Christmas concert, we are first unseen and unrecognized. Through continuous effort and years of practice we work our way to success and recognition. The journey starts with the sheer love of making marks on paper, doodling or mixing colours. These worthy activities are necessary for something new to arise.

Making marks, splashing colour, doodling, finding sermons in stones, patterns in wood

Accepting Results

Not everyone climbs to the top of the art pyramid. Recognition and reward often lie beyond our control. We need to accept the rewards we are given. That should be perfectly fine. Our self worth is not dependent on achievement. We can be satisfied with the effort we make. The true reward is the journey we take in pursuing our dreams.

The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place. –
Barbara De Angelis