Daily Living Archives - The Aging Artist

Coming to Terms

The Call

When the phone rang, my wife answered. She rushed to my studio and said “It’s the urologist”.

“The biopsy analyses have shown you have non-aggresive prostate cancer. The bone scan and MRI show no evidence of spread beyond the prostate. The prognosis for recovery is good.”

The uncertainty is over. The facts are known. Disfunction at the cellular level needs attention. Illness and disease is upon me and in me. This diagnosis is better than I had imagined. I am relieved the cancer is treatable.

Choices

A week after the phone call, I met with a specialist who offered a choice of treatments, starting in a few months. Both treatments have serious side effects. Removing the prostate risks incontinence and loss of libido. Radiation and hormone therapy imply loss of energy, vitality, and libido. While my cancer is non-aggressive the treatments may be necessary to prevent the growth of any aggressive cells.

The likelihood of prostate cancer increases as men get older. It is a hazard of aging. Some articles offer a condescending assessment of this situation:

Because prostate cancer often grows very slowly, older people are often more likely to die of other causes before it becomes a threat. In such cases, treatment may do more harm than good because of potential side effects, such as erection problems and incontinence. And the older you are, the more likely you are to have other medical problems, which can make surgery, for example, more risky.

If you’re at higher risk of dying from something other than prostate cancer, … the goal is to keep you comfortable and increase your quality of life, rather than to try to stop the disease itself.
Web MD

While this passage may have good intentions, I find no comfort or reassurance. If I am unhealthy and old, I will be ‘set out to pasture’. If I am healthy with a chance to live long, I wil face invasive life-altering treatments. It’s a no-win choice.

I am at a fork in the road with both paths leading to difficulty.

How do I decide? I feel like a gambler at a Vegas Casino putting my life savings on one bet. What are the odds I win? What are the odds that I lose?

“If you come to a fork in the road, take it!”

Yogi Berra

Loss and Sadness

Honestly I am unsure how I am right now. I feel strong emotions. My outlook changes day to day and hour by hour. Sometimes I am sanguine and detached- observing my life from afar. Sometimes I feel upset, angry and in denial of my situation.

I feel the loss of carefree living. I am preoccupied with my health. I fear the loss of vitality during treatment. I fear becoming dependent on loved ones for help and reassurance. Old age looms and thoughts of death arise. It is testing my character and my beliefs.

I want to rise above these volatile feelings and offer a wise and inspiring outlook for this blog post. That would be dishonest.

I don’t feel like a ‘kindly old man’ that someone once called me. I am rejecting a passive ‘ho hum’ response to my choices. I seek genuine emotion. An easy life is not my goal.

Feisty!

I am still a hockey player, a soccer player, an artist, a husband, a father- and a boyish kid sometimes. I am stil curious, loving and emotional. I am not set in my ways. I am adaptable. Most of all

“I am not dead!- yet.”

I am not ready to pack it in and let my life run slowly to nothing.

My mother lived to her 101st year. She was determined to be as independent as possible and resisted giving up living her way. My brother said she was ‘feisty to the end’ in his eulogy. I want to be feisty too.

The Way Ahead

I am not at a fork in the road. While I might have to choose radiation or surgery, I am free to decide many things. I can be passive or proactive. I can be optimistic or skeptical. I can be curious. I can be inspired by new experiences. I can find beauty and purpose in unexpected outcomes.

I am transforming from one state of being to another. Rather than fear this new state, maybe I can accept a life based on spirituality, contemplation, and health.

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.“

Marie Curie

I don’t want to lose the wonder of the world I felt at the beginning of my life. I need to be here and now in the present. Let tomorrow, and tomorrow after tomorrow be whatever life offers. I must come to terms with my personal encounter with life and death.

Acknowledgment

I am far from the first to deal with this infirmity. Many have survived life-threatening diseases and calamity. I feel inadequate by comparison.

I am joining the countless people on the path of healing and recovery. I can draw from their courage and experience to be optimistic and reassured.

I want to acknowledge and thank my friends, relations and colleagues, who have offered love and support as I recover.

I am not alone.

Happy Birthday?

What’s with this event called “Happy Birthday”? It happens once a year to everyone. It’s a day when we get to eat cake, blow out candles and indulge in having our way for 24 hours.

Birthdays were great when we were 9 or 10 and probably peaked at the age of 21 when we became real adults who could drink and vote.

Now as the decades pass, a birthday isn’t so much fun. Like Cinderella after the clock strikes midnight, we are left in tatters. “Holy Bleep!” We are a year older, we look in the mirror and imagine we see a more wrinkles, less hair, and our memory about yesterday has disappeared. We look more like the pumpkin. than prince charming.

We know we are getting old when It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

we know we are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt – doesn’t work.

We know we are old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Pessimistically Optimistic

A birthday happened to me last weekend. I am faced with the cruel reality that I am a year older.

This could be a happy occasion, but I am unsure. The pessimist in me sees the sand draining from the hourglass, and feels infirmities slowly prevailing. Darwin told us only the fittest survive, and I survived another year.

The optimist in me wants to celebrate a year well lived with many many happy moments. My optimist is grateful for the parts that still function well. There is much more than mere survival.

It is not my habit to celebrate my birthday extravagantly. It’s a time of quiet introspection and resolve. It is a time to make changes based on recent experiences.

Magnificence

I once belonged to a men’s support group. We shared experiences in order to have fuller lives. Each meeting ended with this affirmation:

“We love and accept you just the way you are- in all your magnificence.”

At first this seemed to be an insincere and ridiculous affirmation. We were average, we were broken is various ways. We didn’t love ourselves very much.

However, something happens when we look at each other differently. The key phrase “just the way you are”, means we are worthy right now. We don’t need to improve, or achieve or become. We are accepted unconditionally. We are worthy, we are magnificent!

“Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”

Brené Brown

Figure drawing helped me see this clearly. As I draw the person before me, I am seeking something unique, something about their spirit. If I am observant enough, I might capture a bit of their magnificence. They are beautiful just the way they are.

Drawings from winter/ spring 2023

My birthday is a good time to apply this affirmation to myself, for myself.

I acknowledge my magnificence just the way I am.

If I don’t see myself as special, no outside compliment will overcome my critical self judgement.

It’s time for me to find and acknowledge my own uniqueness, my own magnificence- if only for a moment. I am worthy.

That is my birthday present.

I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.”
John Green

Blogging for Fame

What is the Price for Fame?

My secret ambition when I started this blog was to reach a large audience. I had visions of blogging to hundreds or thousands of readers. People around the world would ask “what did Ron write about today?” A Google search of a topic in art or aging would quickly lead to this blog. Fame and fortune would soon follow.

This desire was very naive and troubling.

Publicize or Languish

This vision of having a large readership can be ethically dangerous. The quest for fame is akin to the quest for higher profit: more readers, more subscriptions, more clicks, and more money!

To be famous and rich on the web, creating publicity is far more important than writing posts. It is tempting to find ways to ‘go viral’ to get readers.

Tempting Headlines

Here are some ways newspapers and websites create publicity and attention.

Fake News, False Facts

False information and fake news proliferate on the internet. People write almost anything to get noticed.

Provoke Controversy

If fake news doesn’t work, news channels use outrageous provocation to press our hot buttons to get us upset. The tabloids and their prominent columnists peddle sensational and controversial opinions. Their rhetoric instills curiosity and outrage.

News and information are becoming so biased and opinionated that we are wary of any information provided by the web. Facts and truth get lost to emotional reactions. Websites that provide factual information in a unbiased and rational manner are often overlooked and hard to find.

Stupidity and Misfortune

Writers provoke our curiosity by revealing the stupidity or misfortune of others.

Free Stuff or Easy Cheats

Other headlines tell us how to get more from less, to get more clicks on a webpage.

Catastrophizing Life

Headlines tell us what’s wrong with people, society or the world to get our attention.

“… it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Macbeth, William Shakespeare

My Headlines

Based on these tried and true techniques to grab attention, I should create provocative headlines to attract readers.

Ron’s headlines as clickbait.

He shared what he had with poor peasants

Make 10,000 paintings and sell them for $100

Food for Thought

It’s not surprising that many industries are putting profits ahead of the quality of products they produce. If people can be persuaded to pay more money for a fancier product than why not? Give them what they think they want. It’s usually short term pleasure over long term value.

Much of the food industry tempts people to buy products with promises of more flavour, sweeter taste, easy preparation, quicker cooking, or lower prices.

We can’t be sustained by fancy packaging and instant gratification. It’s no wonder we have an ongoing worldwide health crisis.

We require nutrition that promotes health and well-being. Wholesome food may not be so profitable to the manufacturer, but it will have far more benefit to the consumer.

No! No! No!

Similarly a blog needs to omit the bombast of outrageousness and shock. It needs to offer sustenance with a deeper level of satisfaction.

I am unwilling to provoke publicity just to entice more readers. I would rather have a small faithful readership who selects substance over frivolity. This blog will provide sincere and engaging content without sensationalizing the information.

Information is not knowledge, and knowledge is not wisdom. Reading – even browsing – an old book can yield sustenance denied by a database search. Patience is a virtue, gluttony a sin.”

James Gleick

Incompletions

No New Posts?

I feel guilty that I have not produced a new post. Last year I committed to regularly write this blog, possibly every two weeks. Here are reasons why I have not kept this commitment.

Conflict of Interest

Life has offered other tempting activities. Winter came late to Nova Scotia, so I skied the final sunny cold days. Travel planning, drawing and painting occupied my attention. By the end of the day, I felt too tired to work on the blog. I feel guilty that other parts of my life are more important than blogging.

No Value

The blog is not a newspaper that reports events (no matter how mundane) to a paid readership. It’s a waste of effort to create trivial posts just to meet a schedule.

Not all trivial things stay trivial. Seinfeld, one of the most sitcoms, was a show about ‘nothing’. The humour was in the mundane aspects of daily life.

“There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.”
Seinfeld

I won’t publish what I had for breakfast or where I went for my walk. Those may be good topics for Facebook.

Rejected Headlines

Here are a few headlines that I won’t be writing.

Failed Expectations

Some posts haven’t worked out. I was hoping to present the ideas and works of other artists. I was hoping to discuss the influence of artificial intelligence and radical technologies on art.

These ideas require more research, effort, and insight than I am willing to devote. They may become feasible in the future.

Solution: Quality Over Quantity

I should only write posts that offer value. I need to reject weak proposals.

The content has to be organized and well written. I should only write and publish articles that meet a high standard.

Half Way Isn’t Far Enough

I have several posts waiting in the queue. They need refinement, revision, editing and imagery to complete the narrative.

Half-done posts should not be published. Like the paintings below they are not ready for viewing, I need to be fully satisfied before I reveal the final product.

Completion

My commitment is to produce fewer but better posts. I need to convert incomplete ideas into finalized works.

Be patient. Keep plugging. Keep working slowly but steadily. The final product should be worth waiting for!

Some beautiful chapters in this book called life, always remain incomplete.”
Somya Verma

COVID19

Life Changing Encounter

I had an unpleasant surprise last week. I caught COVID!

In hindsight I shouldn’t have gone to the gym with a scratchy throat. I felt body aches and chills a few hours after my workout. When a fever developed, I went to bed early. Advil reduced the pain through the night. By morning I was really sick, and I tested positive for COVID!

COVID Fear

My deep fear COVID had been building from the beginning of the pandemic three years ago. Despite precautions I had now succumbed.

I tried to keep my mind from worst case scenarios but questions kept coming. Is this the end of good health? Will my life be changed forever by this contagion?

Fighting COVID

I was hopeful that my four vaccine shots would minimize my reaction to the virus. Government medical advice forn recovering from COVID depended on the severity of the symptoms.

I really felt awful: I had a fever, a raw sore throat, a nagging cough, aching muscles and extreme tiredness. I was also delusional: my mind was fixated on solving my unwellness as a complex puzzle. This delusion lasted two days and subsided when the fever and other symptoms diminished.

Recovery and Gratitude

Lots of rest was the cure. I had to surrender to the biological processes within my body to rescue me from COVID My ego and controlling willfulness were of little value in this fight. A loving and attentive spouse also helped my recovery.

I am relieved! As I write this, more than a week after COVID began, I am recovering well. Recent COVID tests were negative. Although tiredness and a dry cough linger, I retained my sense of smell, and I can breathe freely.

COVID Hindsight

Looking back at the past three years, it is hard to comprehend the toll that COVID has had on the economy and society the world over. Almost every family and individual has been affected in some way.

I am grateful for the innumerable efforts of clinicians, researchers, politicians and front line workers who have done so much to understand COVID and to minimize its impact.

Learning from COVID

Could society, government and individuals have handled this pandemic any differently than they did? There are so many opinions, attitudes and judgements on the source, cause, spread, prevention and cure for COVID. The impact and consequences of COVID have jolted humankind out of complacency.

COVID was a new danger that humankind had never faced. Although it was similar to other ravages in the past, its potential to devastate civilization provided critical moral and ethical dilemmas to everyone.

Lifeboats and Survival

Solving COVID is very similar to the ‘lifeboat’ question in ethics. Suppose you are lost at sea in a lifeboat with 50 people. If the boat can only sustain half that number, what is the solution to survival?

Who survives susch harrowing conditions?

Raft of the Medusa, Artist: Theodore Gericault

Some libertarians might say it’s the fittest that should survive and everyone should look out for themselves. Others may save the women and children; others would say ‘everyone or no one’. Some would refuse to decide and let circumstances dictate. Some would just give up and slip overboard. Others would defer to an autocratic leader to make all decisions. All of the choices are terrible and horrific for half of the people.

There is no right answer to the lifeboat dilemma. Some choices are better than others. If survival were based on killing the weaker ones, what mean-spirited selfish society would await the survivors?

After COVID

Similarly, what kind of society do we want to have after COVID is overcome? We often think that the only answer is the one we ourselves believe in. We want our plan! We want to exterminate other options.

For society to flourish we need to allow for differing views. We need a mixture of choices and attitudes to be heard. We need to heed the welfare of the vulnerable and powerless. We need to be responsible for the survival of as many people as possible.

To revisit the COVID history for lessons learned, we need to be cautious. People were making the best choices they could under difficult circumstances. I am glad that I was not required to make the hard choices for quarantines, masking and vaccination rule.

While I desire freedom to live as I want, there will always be limits to that freedom and responsibilities to ensure the health and safety of other citizens. That is what civilized societies do.